You'll Never Go to Heaven

Leader: Oh the Deacon went down

Response: Oh the Deacon went down
Leader: To the cellar to pray
Response: To the cellar to pray
Leader: The lights went out
Response: The lights went out



Leader: And he stayed all day
Response: And he stayed all day

All:Oh the Deacon went down to the cellar to pray
The lights went out and he stayed all day

I aint gonna grieve my lord no more, no more

I aint gonna grieve my lord
I aint gonna grieve my lord
I aint gonna grieve my lord no more

You'll never go to heaven in an old Ford car
'Cos an old Ford car won't get that far

You'll never go to heaven in a ping pong ball
'Cos a ping pong ball is much too small


You'll never go to heaven in a limousine
'Cos the lord aint go no gasoline

You'll never go to heaven in a Sabre Jet
'Cos the lord aint go no runways yet

You'll never go to heaven in a Girl Guides arms
'Cos the lord don't want those faminine charms

You'll never go to heaven in a rocking chair

'Cos the lord don't want no rockers there

You'll never go to heaven in a wicker chair
'Cos the lord dont want no baskets there

You'll never go to heaven in a biscuit tin
'Cos a biscuit tin's got biscuits in

You'll never go to heaven in a apple tree
'Cos an apple trees got roots you see


You'll never get to heaven on roller skates
You'd slip right by them Pearly Gates

You'll never get to heaven in your girlfriend's bra
'Cos your girlfriends bra don't stretch that far

You'll never get to heaven on a plate of glass
'Cos a plate of glass gonna cut your leg

You'll never get to heaven in a limousine

'Cos the Lord don't sell no gasoline

You'll never get to heaven on Richard's bike
'Cos you'll get halfway, then you'll have to hike

You'll never get to heaven in Mike's car
'Cos Mike's car stops at every bar

You'll never get to heaven with a bottle of gin
'Cos St Peter don't let them spirits in


You'll never get to heaven in Ivor's pants
'Cos Ivor's pants are full of ants

You'll never get to heaven, on water skis
'Cos the angels don't like hairy knees

Oh you can't get to heaven with powder and paint
'Cos it makes you look like what you ain't

Oh you can't get to heaven in a strapless gown

''Cos a strapless gown thing might fall right down

Oh you can't chew terbaccy on the golden shore
'Cos the Lord don't have no cuspidor

Oh I want to go to heaven, and I want to do it right
So I'll go up to heaven all dressed in white

Oh one fine day, and it won't be long
You'll look for me, and I'll be gone


And if you get to heaven before I do
Just drill a hole and pull me through

But if I get to heaven before you do
I'll drill a hole and spit on you

Well if I get to heaven, before you do
I'll plug that hole, with shavings and glue

That's all there is, there is no more

St Peter said, as he shut the door

Oh there's one more thing I forgot to tell
If you don't go to heaven, you'll go to...bed

And that's the end, St. Peter said
As he closed the gates, And went to bed

Alternative Chorus (1)
I ain't gonna grieve (i-eve-i-eve) my Lord no more

I ain't gonna drink
I ain't gonna swear
I ain't gonna... Ooh, I wouldn't dare!
I ain't gonna grieve (i-eve-i-eve) my Lord no more, any more

Alternative Chorus (2)
I ain't gonna grieve (i-eve-i-eve) my Lord no more
I ain't gonna grieve
I ain't gonna worry

I ain't gonna leave my Lord in a hurry
I ain't gonna grieve (i-eve-i-eve) my Lord no more, any more